The Greatest Snowman
The Greatest Snowman is the first episode of the third series of Sweet Sow. Script Hitchhiker: Welcome to the 2018 Sweet Sow Christmas special. I’m your ho- Voice: (offscreen) Continue or else... Hitchhiker: Yes sir. I'm your host, Fred Figglehorn. And- Dan: Excuse me, but please make sure this episode contains a lot of foot humor compared to the first two series. Hitchhiker: No thanks. Mummy Pig: Hey host person! You are the biggest Pippi Longstocking fan out there! Hitchhiker: (singing in Geckel Homus's voice) Horrid heart and graphic high. Mummy Pig: Don't you dare tell me our show is getting canceled. (Geckel Homus flies out of the hitchhiker's spirit.) Geckel Homus: From now on, I am the executive producer of Sweet Sow. Hitchhiker: Please fuck off. I’m the host of this special. Geckel Homus: You can still be the host, but I'm under control of the rest of the show. Peppa: I’m actually the one who controls the show. Geckel Homus: No, you aren't. Agusti Chairdonai: No, it's me. Peppa is too young to be the executive producer. Peppa: WAH! Dan: I thought I was the producer. Geckel Homus: Well, you're fired. Dan: YOU SHALL NOT FIRE DAN SCHNEIDER! Look what you made me do. (Dan’s feet start growing.) Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Paul. A Chihuahua furry: Fuck you bitch! I have stinky farts. Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Paul. A Chihuahua furry: Fuck you bitch! I have stinky farts. Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Paul. A Chihuahua furry: Fuck you bitch! I have stinky farts. Geckel Homus: Let's move on, shall we? Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr.- Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Geckel Homus: Move on to the goddamn episode or else Sweet Sow is canceled. A Chihuahua furry: Poor Prince Mason... Mason: Chet yo asses up cause I’m Santa. Ho ho ho bitches! Agusti Chairdonai: You're not the real Mason. Dan: Let’s watch The Eediots Christmas Special from 1966. Agusti Chairdonai: You're not the real Mason. Dan: Let’s watch The Eediots Christmas Special from 1966. Agusti Chairdonai: You're not the real Mason. Dan: Let’s watch The Eediots Christmas Special from 1966. (Mason transforms into Charles Manson.) Charles Manson: Surprise bitches! Voice: (offscreen) You’re a mean one, Mr. Manson. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. Mummy Pig: Uncle Goat is 3,046 years old. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. Mummy Pig: Uncle Goat is 3,046 years old. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. Mummy Pig: Uncle Goat is 3,046 years old. Hitchhiker: And now, enjoy the show. (The title card appears, but disappears quickly.) Teo Tiger: Ciao! Mummy Pig: How am I supposed to chow down on this shit? Also I don’t speak Turkish, so- Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Terrible TV Shows Wiki: (offscreen) Sweet Sow is a terrible TV show. Why it sucks! Number on- Mummy Pig: I'm sorry, but you're wrong. Terrible TV Shows Wiki: No you’re wrong! Mummy Pig: No, you're wrong. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! I hope that Terrible TV Shows Wiki goes to hell and never comes back. Hitchhiker: Enjoy the show. Geckel Homus: Stop repeating and get to the point, or else Sweet Sow is canceled and you will be executed. Angry viewer: I agree. It’s very lazy and annoying. Hitchhiker: Oh shit! Better start the episode now. Peppa: GECKEL IS IN HELL! Geckel Homus: You'll be in Hell if you keep mucking around. Peppa: Don’t you mean fucking around? Geckel Homus: Don't jump on that juice, young girl. Peppa: Where? (Geckel morphs into Josh Madens.) Peppa: I HATE YOU! Josh Madens: Don't jump on it or you'll be in big trouble. Hitchhiker: The Greatest Snowman shall now begin. (Title card.) (Mummy Pig, Peppa, and the hitchhiker are at a Krockicamese airport.) Mummy Pig: Hey bitches, we’re spending Christmas in Japan! Hitchhiker: At least no more Dan Schneider. Voice: Everyone Needs to Get Excited About Captain Marvel’s Cat. Hitchhiker: How about you're a twat. Dan: FEET! Hitchhiker: My day was ruined because of this. Dan: No? Hitchhiker: Luckily, Pamela didn’t bring his passport or buy an extra ticket. Mummy Pig: Unfortunately, I bought a plane ticket for Dan. Hitchhiker: Shitch. (The hitchhiker splits apart, revealing his old self.) Hitchhiker: Hey, it's Fred! Mummy Pig: I HATE YOU! (Mummy Pig stabs the hitchhiker twenty-three times.) Hitchhiker: (singing) I don’t have a wooden heart. Mummy Pig: I think the hitchhiker's possessed. Peppa: Yeah, possessed by Elvis Presley. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I'm possessed? Elvis Presley: (offscreen) It won’t be the same dear if you’re not here. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I'm possessed? Elvis Presley: (offscreen) It won’t be the same dear if you’re not here. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I'm possessed? Elvis Presley: (offscreen) It won’t be the same dear if you’re not here. Hitchhiker: What do you mean I- Peppa: Dear child, we must go to Japan and seek Elvisina now. Mummy Pig: Peppa, continue acting like Marvey and you're grounded for life. Peppa: My lonely daughter, I shall teleport us, possessed by Elvis and foot fetish to Japan. Now... Mummy Pig: That does it! You are so grounded grounded grounded for life. Peppa: No... Mummy Pig: You're not the boss of me. (Peppa, Mummy Pig, the Hitchhiker and Dan Schneider are teleported to Tokyo, Japan.) Mummy Pig: Marvey? Come down here now. Marvey: (offscreen) Ho... Elvis Presley: I’ll have a blue Christmas without you Pamela. Mummy Pig: Okay, but I don't give a shit. (Marvey floats down.) Marvey: Marvey Harvey, Harvey Marvey. Peppa: Mummy, can we have KFC? Mummy Pig: We have to preorder it, so no. Mummy Pig: Marvey, what did you do to my daughter? Marvey: My sincere Pamela, I’ve took possession of her. Mummy Pig: Un-possess her or you're fucking dead. Marvey: I love you. Mummy Pig: Do it right now or I'll kill you. Marvey: No as I must need Elvis and Santa. Mummy Pig: Do you think I give a shit? TBA Geckel Homus: I'm back, everyone. Peppa: Frankly my dear, I don’t- Geckel Homus: You should care, Peppa, because it's time to kill off Marvey. Hitchhiker: Pick me! I wanna shoot Marvey! Geckel Homus: Sure, go for it. Marvey: No, my dear son. Ignacio. Hitchhiker: Not so fast. Marvey: Shillé, child, for you must be frozeen. Hitchhiker: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! Marvey: No more envision, child. (After a short pause, the hitchhiker shoots Marvey and he starts to shrink.) Marvey: I shall be gone with the wind and ascend further into nonexistence. Farewell, fair child. (disappears) Hitchhiker: Good sho- (freezes) Elvis: (offscreen) Unfreeze him or else... Peppa: NO! My father... Mummy Pig: I despised him anyway. Hitchhiker: Well fuck you! Also, this is a prerecorded message. Elvis: Well we should go to the greatest snowman. Peppa: Hey mummy, do you have a transvestite fetish? Mummy Pig: No, even though I'm a transvestite myself. Peppa: So you’re a man. Mummy Pig: Yes. I've been hiding it for ages, and I never told it to your father. Peppa: I always knew something was fishy about you. Geckel Homus: Jimmy Savile better not appear in this, or else you know what happens. Voice: (offscreen) A Fix With The Sontarans. Geckel Homus: Nope! Terrible TV Shows Wiki: (offscreen) Why Sweet Sow sucks. Number one, Mummy Pig is abusive to her daugh- (Mummy Pig shoots lasers from her eyes to the Terrible TV Shows Wiki.) Mummy Pig: Let’s have an iCarly party! Elvisina: I like that idea! I’m Elvisina by the way. Marvey: (offscreen) No, children. Mummy Pig: How the fuck are you still alive, Marvey? Marvey: (offscreen) Divine brings, my daughter. Agusti Chairdonai: Kill him again. Marvey: (offscreen) Sleep, my sons. Geckel Homus: I'll do the job once more. (starts running out) I began to shark in. (Geckel stabs Marvey repeatedly.) Marvey: Humor and my fair child. (dies) Elvisina: Burn in hell, Marvey. Mummy Pig: Now that he's no more, let's celebrate by having an iCarly party. Geckel Homus: You can do that after this episode is over. Mummy Pig: But an iCarly party sounds so swell! Geckel Homus: I'm sorry, but that's for later. Mummy Pig: The doctors are more concerned about this concussion. Peppa: I'm gonna explore the city, so you can have some woman time to yourself, mummy! Mummy Pig: I'm actually a man. Remember what I told you? Peppa: I forgot about that. Mummy Pig: By the way, you have to stay with me or else. Peppa: No thanks. I’m gonna explore the city. Mummy Pig: Don't start an argument and stay with me. (Suddenly, Peppa disappears.) Mummy Pig: (male voice) It gets hot across the highways. Elvisina: We should have our iCarly party now. Geckel Homus: Not now, children. Mummy Pig: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Geckel Homus: Sleep, my good Pamela. Mummy Pig: If you act like Marvey, I will fucking strangle you. Understand? Geckel Homus: My son. Marvey had spirited away his soul to me, for he is remains legacy. Now, you must sleep and give in to me, shall I am your father to be. Mummy Pig: Fucking hypocrite. Geckel Homus: Shillé, my son! (Mummy Pig attempts to kill Geckel by shooting lasers out his eyes, even though he is immortal.) Geckel Homus: Panjendar Sombrarero, not Pamela Pig, is a sex offender. Mummy Pig: That's bullshit, and you're supposed to be dead. TBA Trivia *This episode's title is a pun of The Greatest Showman. Category:Sweet Sow episodes Category:Episodes